Due Decorum

is it so uncouth to ask
for thee to stay thy tongue
and not disturb the black damask
enshrouding ablutions
for there exists no merit
to be found in such affronts
doth no one wish to hear it
underground nor in the sun
have we lost all decorum
at the cost of decency
to air in public forum
matters begging secrecy
instead we see the plague
of people primitively prone
to posting private pictures
posing on porcelain thrones!
pray not let us devolve
into unsavory savants
with thoughts left to revolve
around our basest needs and wants
one mustn’t attend charm school
to find value in mystique
we’ve no need to defend fools
when they’ve failed to be discreet
thus, i submit we gather
every vulgar philistine
and banish them to exile
to the isle of shrillest screams
for it is of their own accord
to wax on chamber pots
therefore we dare not spare the horde
an expeditious plot
of funerary provenance
for actions crude and crass
for devotees of elegance
i speak on your behalf

Out of Sight…

spiders get around most freely
out of sight and out of mind
fiendishly partaking in some really
questionable crimes
some are stealing errant crumbs
while others might be playing dumb
some I’ve heard meticulously
fuss over cleaning their guns
why must they be up to no good
can’t we all just get along
it just seems odd that they should
keep trying to swipe hits from my bong
weird thing is when they become stoned
spiders have a gay old time
watching episodes of star trek
golden girls and classic vines
look out though, for when their munchies hit
they take no prisoners
trust, you would prefer not to
like Bartleby the scrivener
oh my god they’re so obsessed
with watching me all night and day
every time i start to undress
i hear every word they say
maybe if they had some business
of their own i could relax
sadly it would seem their interest
is quite honed in on my back
what i mean to say is my bum
boy, they just can’t get enough
then again, it’s kissed by the sun
chiseled, and bulbously buff
countless times have i looked up
to find a spider mid-descent
typically, they hover just
to read facebook and make comments
privacy is really just a quaint notion
it’s sad to say
for spiders reign ubiquitous
over each moment, night or day
even if they have intentions
of becoming my best friend
they might at least try to mention
this to somehow make amends
as it stands i swear on my life
they won’t rest until i’m dead
how else did my set of steak knives
wind up underneath the shed
don’t you for one second think
i don’t know of their secret club
i still receive the weekly e-mail
some of which i truly love
judging from the things i’ve read
we’d hit it off quite famously
they seem to dig the talks on TED
almost just as much as me
if i wasn’t so damn shy
perhaps i could initiate
but to them, I am just a fly
awaiting on a silken fate
they’re not like their creepy cousins
building nests from human hair
spiders spin a lustrous gossamer
to weave their webbed lair
sure, at times they might get peeved
and inflict a most painful bite
this is how most spiders grieve
their spouse you swallowed just last night
follow my advice and keep that
gaping orifice shut well
you don’t want to hear all of the stories
that I have to tell
please just feel their fuzzy fur
they’re cuddly like a teddy bear
spiders rock, you must concur
you’d better, for they’re everywhere

Find a Way

do or don’t
it doesn’t matter

all the world’s will
yet won’t

try your best
or give up trying

don’t deny
that both are
moot

should you stay
or should you go

you shouldn’t
have to ask
to know

that
every woman
every man
and every fate
is ever damned

for love
will find a way
it’s true
to court
the death of me
and you

Pavlovian Lapdogs

petulant plebians pandering prose
spawned out of spite from depictions composed
of pithless and petty ploys poised to appease
a princess of poisonous pedantry peeved
with patrons plucked patiently tempered by pique
their person purloined spurred by spurious speech
supinely complying peremptorily
pliable pupils impaired by erred pleas
obsequious as pavlovian lapdogs
a precedent of appalling demagogue
imparting dispatch surreptitiously reaped
to pose such a perfect impression oblique
to passively present through public dispose
promotion of disreputable depose
to please their despot’s pathetic importunes
perilous plots born of perceived impugn
sparing none, for all are prone as her pawns
through solipsist eyes of contempt and despond

Cautionary Tail

a boot was lodged in my caboose
the day i shook an apple loose
from high atop its lofty perch
where once it fell i thusly searched
but though i heard it hit the ground
it seemed that it could not be found
this apple had been such a prize
it quickly became of my eye
i knew i dare not let it fall
into a den where earthworms crawl
the sound it made seemed to suggest
it landed ‘neath a nearby nest
that housed a rather irate bird
which i had recently disturbed
and as i looked i heard it mocking
dousing me with many droppings
i resolved nary a wrath
would steer me from this apple’s path
perhaps it rolled away i thought
but soon a hole found my foot caught
which sent me lunging toward a bush
brimming with thorns which pierced my tush
i looked to see my boot was stuck
when from behind my head was struck
by many discontented squirrels
in shock i watched their fury unfurl
with such profusity ne’er seen
did acorns rain upon my dream
in spite of this, i forged ahead
and trampled through a flower bed
attended by a perturbed granny
swinging as to strike my fanny
with her rake with aim precise
assailing me not once but thrice
and when it seemed that all was calm
a beehive landed like a bomb
releasing plumes of raging bees
who did not seem to hear my pleas
they stung me until i ballooned
into a bulbous red buffoon
at which point one would think to quit
but this man never would submit
i then retraced my steps to see
my prized apple’s trajectory
which much to my shock and surprise
atop the tree did it reside
with one boot on i made the climb
to reach the limb where it did lie
but as i inched along its branch
i heard a creak ever most scant
as one might guess i tumbled down
and when my bottom touched the ground
it was then met by my lost boot
with such a force it breached my chute
and to this day it yet remains
as for the apple who can say
i beg thee take heed, hear my words
lest such a fate ever absurd
befall your precious buns of steel
when apples of aplomb appeal
apppear to be just out of reach
it might prove wise to leave them be

As Sorrows Bleed

meet me
where the shadows drift
apart
from who we are

where waning tides
reveal the rift
that weeps
into the stars

wrap me
amid layers
of a long
forgotten kiss

our voices
led astray
upon the solace
of your lips

shake me
to the rhythm
of our innocence
denied

pray not let us
fall
into a conscious
state of lies

for all
this world
has proven
naught
but torment in reprise

and so
we take our leave
as sorrows bleed
for you and i

Fancy Free

When life doth air too serious
So weary I become
My notions turn nefarious
To whimsy, I succumb

I then proceed to longeth p’ruse
My Frederick’s catalogue
To sate my need for silken rouge
And frilly lace corsage

Of course they must be crotchless
Lest I err a thoughtless cad
And should I dare wend topless
Throw some pasties in the bag

With preference for tassels
‘Tis a hassle otherwise
I might start feeling sassy
Thus, such foresight would suffice

Ne’er I display such imprudence
Hence, I buy in bulk
For countless corsets have i torn
asunder with mine hulk

As proven on the eve
I wast locked out of mine own house
And all the poor old maidens
Swooned as if they’d seen a mouse!

Did grant, I may stand
Two inches just over six feet tall
With brawny build and buns that filleth
Panties with a sprawl

Which tend to draw the ire
Of the gentry’s night patrol
Who seem to never tire
Of cruising past me ever slow

Why then, would anyone
Blame a lad for simply trying
Were I to say I did not look
Hawt in lace I’d be lying!

And thou knowest quite well
This spectacle sings flourishing
Within the theater of thy mind
Where it is now showing

For none dare intermit
The thought of such a rogue delight
Frolicking in flowery peignoirs
All throughout the night

[image credit: Louis Wain]

Male Primer On How To Love Women

To truly
Command
The acceptance
Of truth

With willful
Embrace
Of its burden
Of proof

And freedom
To think
With a presence
Of mind

Where no
Precedent
Lies
To boldly opine

Unfettered
Not tethered
To fear’s
Phantom mime

In weather
Tempestuous
Calming and kind

To choose
Paths shone
Virtuous
Of our
Volition

When faced
With the gravest
Of selfless
decisions

To look
Beyond
Boundaries
With sound
Sight
To see

Without our own
Ego’s affliction
We are free

To learn
From mistakes
We must bear
Consequence

Acknowledge
All factors
Of its circumstance

Whilst disregarding
Frivolous
Dalliance

And focusing
Efforts
On things
Relevant

To offer
Oneself
Without pretense
Surrendered

To harbor
No thought
Of contempt
Erring tender

Toward life
Which exists
Outside that
Of our own

Attending
The home
One should ne’er
Shore alone

To listen
So that we
Might then
Understand

The magnitude
Of all fates
Since wrought
By man

To requite
The status
Usurped
By frail men

That brazenly
Preaches
Of false
Creation

Casting such
Shadows
Whose ire
Knows
No bounds

The burden
All women
Are forced
To live
Down

For bearing
The gift
Men would
Deem to revere

Presented
Through patriarchs
Pandering fear

And once
Verity
Avails our
Conscious grasp

Our love
May be worthy
Of woman
At last

Hellacious Haircut

now what have you gone and done?
you look like hitler’s amish son
after some seasons in the sun
imprisoned by a neon nun
was it kirk’s phaser set to stun?
a vulcan nerve-pinch come undone?
it seems as though you might have plucked
a nerve and now this look is stuck
a lightning strike without the light
perhaps it was an eel bite
or maybe you just caught a fright
a camera may have flashed too bright
it’s possible a roving pack
of rabid dogs advanced attack

a full-grown horde of starving hogs
mistook you for their feeding trough
and truly, i would understand
if your barber was from japan
or if he had a demon hand
entangled in a rubberband
oh, i know! this is all a joke
like on some hidden camera show
AHA! you must have lit a cig
using a bargain lighter rig
oh shoot… my bad, is that a wig
did someone zag who should have zigged

are you on drugs, that must be it
take my advice friend, try to quit
unless you fell into a pit
of ninjas throwing hissy-fits
who knows, break-dancing gone awry
you thought you were a samurai
or were you stressed under duress?
was this your mother’s last request?
could you have donated your locks?
gone undercover for the cops?
if you stopped caring i can tell
they DO have barbershops in hell!
you lost a bet and now you’ve paid
you did it so you could get laid
a camel-spider went to town
you got it at the lost & found
you snuggled with a hirsute rat
then got mauled by a shedding cat
your headbanging took a wrong turn
you left edward scissorhands spurned
the rest of you is somewhere else
you did it for your ailing health
you could have just rubbed a balloon
til so much static-cling ensued
you’re going to make me walk the plank
come on! admit! it’s just a prank

wait, what was that i heard you say?
this here is what’s in style today

why, ~silly me~, i should have known
next time i’ll just leave you alone
(cuz zombies must have eaten your brains)
proceeds to walk the other way

“Choices”

no woman chooses.

the word “choice”
is a quaint affectation
of male privilege

one that shifts
the burden
onto the woman’s shoulders

with a simple
single syllable
of sinister
silver-tongue

that speaks volumes
of the depraved disconnect
of daddy’s deflection

defecting

neglecting

such wretched
subjection

to misogynist mindsets
that fret
at any hint
shown to impede
its quest for glory

its aweless reverie

of his requisite bequest

that rests for no burden
not even those wrought
by its own wanton hands

with nary a thought

for the “choice”
lies with man

to own up to his deeds
to reap what was sown
beyond his own base needs

choosing not to desert
to then foster a trust
that would honor what is just

by accepting
the circumstance born
of his lust

he must stand tall supinely
to shatter all doubt
in the matters regarding
the wrath of his route

for women most oft
are forever distraught

abandoned
bereft
left exploited
with naught

whilst these men prance
with ease
frolicking fancy-free
fleeing scene
with the breeze
having sown their ill-seed

for their ego
surpasses all
with such vomitous gall
as a life is forestalled

ne’er to answer the call
so appalling this trait
leaving life in its wake
only flight will he take
once his whim has been slaked
without further adieu
in a cloud of hot dust
and a fervid salute
served most proud and abrupt
rendering hearts nonplussed
like a billowing gust
once his will has been thrust
turns militantly brusque
with such fierce flippancy
throws all under the bus
in a thunderous peal
it’s a wonder surreal
as the moment reveals
what his true heart conceals

but there is no appeal
to that which cannot feel
so this dastardly deal
is so masterfully sealed
as a bastard is reared
in a fluster of tears
with a father not there
never bothered to care
not a moment to spare
to prevent all the fears
wrought by scrutinous stares
lurid thoughts turpid lots
from a surrogate’s leer
innocence left defenseless
for reasons so senseless
a treasonous pretense
to heathens demented

still lacking incentive
to try to prevent this
fate of such portending
consequence unending
of futures surrendered
no suture could mend
ill-repute so contentious
yet still men dispute
and refute their subjection
and all for the sake
of their putrid compulsions
so duly revulsing
profanely effusive
the lives left behind
are not those
which they must live
and thus it is a shit
for which they do not give
so willing to forfeit
the world they created
but for a mere moment
of fleeting amusement
that spurns an entire
existence
so uselessly
suffered for naught
and for what
but their ego’s
egregious gestalt