Tag: Parody

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Measures More Than Justified

i swear to you
if one more fucking ant crawls on me
i will lose it

what the fuck
has led them here
i haven’t any food to forage

where the fuck
could they have come from
and why will they not go away

how the fuck
has this become the state
of my reality

every step i take
to rid my humble home
of their invasion

somehow summons twice as many
more determined than before

jesus fucking christ
it’s just an ant
how then could it have wrapped
its tiny jaws around my flesh
with such a force for me to feel it

i am but a pacifist at heart
but this incessant onslaught
pesters me beyond the point
of patience and composed demeanor

fuck, i’ll just be honest
their assault has taken quite a toll
i’m hesitant to tell you
of the murderous thoughts
in my head

if not that, then suicide
is fast becoming ever likely
of course, then they would dine upon
my listless corpse
and i won’t have it

even if i stood for hours
smashing every one that came
they would keep appearing
in exacerbated states of ardor

maybe if i went online
to search for homemade bomb instructions
i could build one big enough
to halt their heedless hordes

last time, when i took such measures
all was said and done
no sweat
granted, at that time the circumstances
were far less horrific

it was just a wayward group
of eight jehova’s witnesses
they refused to leave me be
oh yeah, and then those missionaries
mailmen, and that meter reader

let me get back to my point
this siege will not allow for nonsense

since you asked
the answer’s no
i’m not concerned with my new neighbors
church of scientology
whatever in the flying fuck it was they called it

all i really care about
is blowing up those fucking ants
if it should happen others perish
so be it
i can’t be bothered
really

that’s on them
that they were living
as much as it is for their death

shit, i wouldn’t be surprised
if they had been responsible
for sending all these ants to get me
for some fiendishly clandestine reason

oh my fucking god
it’s true
and now i’ve got more work to do

those bastard scientologists
are going to have a blast
and much like it was in the past

i will be the last one standing
bellowing the biggest laugh

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Ode to Nicolaus-of-the-Sun

thy faintest contour
stole away
my consciousness of mind

the gods had draped me
in a realm
of excess exquisite

chests indulged
of selenite did slough
with bare refulgency

merging strikes
barbaric heaving

maleness
manacled in chainmail

criminal
didst cup constrictive

summoned heat
from sweetened friction

visceral
precipitant

banded strands
stretched tenuously
strung with statuesque erecting

flesh of cryptid cusp
and blustered hue
imbrued from brusque abrade

strapping
with a sturdiness
to beckon vice
from days of yore

swore studly forms
of ardent study
hours long and arduous

Sir Nicolaus! i cry
what thoughts besiege
my frail composure

compromised by rippled
thew with pulse of potent impose

ecstasy encompassing
his sexton arm’s saxon embrace

brandishing a brawn
to render
every knave his pawn of privy

lash thy leather-laden fury
leash mine impure soul
with haste!

douse me
in thy verse
triumphant

trenchant
as the lunar blade

bathing in thy
breathless inquest

trouncing
like a bison herd
at the hour
of forbidden dusk

hoarding hesitation
forming sedulous
below

shouldst thy barren breast
e’er hover
skies of supple
silk embed

the flames of brooding
wouldst impend
with trilling prod
of importune

like surging wells
on crescent shores
imploring swords
of sowed release

lonesome rogues
dealt swift
a sweltered
sun of melting
auric fleece

bound like mured barbarians
gone mad
with torturous vexation

strident thrusts
of jutting bulge
and urgent bender
banned by lawmen

turgid girth swoons
swathing growth
doth ghastly
fill tumescent eye

pinning this supine
confliction
to a bed of fallow dross

O my precious Nicolaus

let us not fall
remiss

like pistils
sifted into dusted dreams
of lust lamented

let us now succumb
to rubble
amid subtle
swells combusting

~fini~

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Invalid

you didn’t click like

that’s all I needed
to know

forget the fact
that you might not
have seen it

that you might
be inundated
with the incessant burdens
of life’s duress

forget
the fact
that life exists
for you
outside of myself

but most of all

forget

that you
might not
have actually liked it

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Dude . . .

if i could convince you
to consider but one candid concept
which, of course, you might suspect
concerns a most elicit topic
if your inclination
was to cringe and quickly run for cover
you would be correct
for you’ve accosted me unlike no other

with a cavalcade of quite conveniently
depicted diq piqs
clogging up my network
like a cable network choking Netflix

please don’t misconstrue my words
as puns or covert euphemisms
this is very serious
like when penis becomes penisn’t
calm down, i don’t mean the content
i declare that secondary
i can’t comprehend your cause
nor lack of couth

it’s kind of scary

curbing your distinct affliction
by increasing increments
can’t quash your creative calling
and it’s in your best interest

i cannot afford to hear the lord groan
when i check my smartphone
nor have leering onlookers
keep winking as if something was known

dude, it’s just a diq
no need to show it to the world at random
put that shit away or else i’ll lop it off without abandon

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Ode to Zechariah

long before light
cleft the heavens in twain
a movement
of manhood emerged

unlike the unsavory
dissidents prior
his was a station deserved

he fostered conviction
amongst the rapt populace
stoically instilling mindful revolt

fully apprised of philosophies spoken
unlike static sophists consisting of molt

fervent emotions born of empathy
ever consuming his radiant heart
salient locution so poignantly posed
lingered long after he bid to depart

tales of his august aplomb echoed through the vales
prose poised to avail the downtrodden denizens

parlance empowering dispelled compatriots
apposite to proletariat wards

forged in the fires of familial defect
stuttering sopor
societal ire

nonetheless, pwning the epic drum solo
from “too hot for teacher” when he was but twelve

not having given an “F” he sought “T”
and tempered his mind with the breadth thus required
of the scant few i regard as elite
he is one by whom i’m duly inspired

Deep within this tattered husk lies the hope
to someday avow this Marxist of a man
of every last tender kiss wrought by his words
intended for naught but to better this land

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This Pill

how is it
this pill
grants me the will
to carry on

it appears
as nil
however, still
i’d simply marry one

vicodin and valium
lorazepam and lithium
temazapam and tramadol

i kinda fucking want
them all

even if their glory
ever fades
into diminishment

issues anticipatory
pervade with omnipresence

what have you
got there
and would you care
to share
the love

if not
tell me where
might i repair
to scare some up

methadone, morphine, and molly
oh by golly gee
they’re great
opium evokes opining
oh please god
don’t make me wait

it might be
you think of me
as being a heedless hedonist

ah, if you could only see
what burdens
doth my life consist

rue the day
you ever have
to compensate
to gain composure

caustic truths
beyond control
servitude of lifelong indenture

dare not judge
this “crutch”, you say
is much more
than your
dearth of knowledge

currently facilitates
go suck on a
whatchamacallit

p.s. i don’t mean
the candy bar. . .

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Psychotelepathic Kitten

every day it seems i am beholden to an untold power
i once thought was emanating from my garden’s wildflowers
but since new damning evidence has narrowed it down to my cat
my life has been a whirlwind of sin and there’s no looking back
the force exuding from this kitty is anomalously grave
its effect has left me to a lifetime as my kitty’s slave
endlessly i toil scooping his remnants from the litter box
and i won’t even mention all the times i’ve had to darn his socks
i cannot explain nor understand the tasks which he assigns
all i know is if i fail the consequences are unkind
by his ardent insistence, i have to wear a pink mustache
then i must go downtown and panhandle to re-up his stash
he has what you might call an addiction, and it’s quite severe
once a week i make the trip to Humbolt just to bring it here
criminal-grade catnip is financially prohibitive
but if i should refuse then it is likely he won’t let me live
recently i had to quit my job so i could work from home
if i did not comply, he insisted that he would have me cloned!
ethically, my opposition to such things does not permit
so i became a phone sex operator as do most hermits
you may laugh, but i assure you, this is deathly serious
my kitty cat will kick your ass if he hears any word of this
again, you scoff, but i implore that you should take heed of these words
otherwise, i cannot guarantee you won’t end up a turd
understand the implication, yes, it truly is that dire
i scoop tough guys like you from his litter box as is required
that, of course, is based on the assumption that he will take pity
on your wretched soul, for truly he’s a nitty-gritty kitty
certified and licensed by the Badass-Felidae Committee
they’ve got local chapters based in every major U.S. city!
now look what you’ve gone and done! i’m late for his standing appointment!
at Suinolon Spa Spectacular which means a sturdy groin kick
not only for me but for you too for wasting his precious time
here he comes now looking like he’s out of sorts and not of sound mind
i can’t bear to witness any punishment he wreaks upon you
so i’ll have to close my eyes while he exacts his wrath of kung-fu
there, you see? i bet that you’re regretting having not had listened
to the true-to-life tale of my psychotelepathic kitten

[image credit: Louis Wain]

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COMING SOON!!!

dirty litterr

AN UNPRECEDENTED CAST FOR THE AGES:

featuring:

COSMIC PIGLET as “HOT HOOF”

LORD BYRON the CAT as “PEPPERS”

SIR NICK SALING as “MISTER MUSCLES”

ALSO STARRING:

MIRA MEUNIER as “DON’T TOUCH MY HAIR!!!”

MAX MEUNIER as “NURSE ADAMSKi”
CREEPY VINTAGE DOLL as SELF
and
~SUPER∞DORBS~
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Kinda Sounds Like Discourse~ [AKA Vice Rod]

what can i say

i want the D

never had i dared to dream

this day would come

with thoughts of the D

running through my mind
like a Benny Hill credits roll

you see
the D is a most powerful force

it springs life anew
and mitigates longstanding burdens

it cleaves entire entities in twain
and leaves chaos in its wake

but in that fluster
of blustery skies and structure askew

i shall rise triumphant
brandishing the proof of the D
for all to behold

she proved herself
prone to imprudence
and impetuous impulse

and so began my arduous journey
in search of the D

for i knew
that my very salvation

could only begin

with a solidified D in hand

wait wait wait!

~what did you think i meant?~

pervert.

[image credit: Nicolaes de Bruyn, Frederik de Wit]

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Out of Sight…

spiders get around most freely
out of sight and out of mind
fiendishly partaking in some really
questionable crimes
some are stealing errant crumbs
while others might be playing dumb
some I’ve heard meticulously
fuss over cleaning their guns
why must they be up to no good
can’t we all just get along
it just seems odd that they should
keep trying to swipe hits from my bong
weird thing is when they become stoned
spiders have a gay old time
watching episodes of star trek
golden girls and classic vines
look out though, for when their munchies hit
they take no prisoners
trust, you would prefer not to
like Bartleby the scrivener
oh my god they’re so obsessed
with watching me all night and day
every time i start to undress
i hear every word they say
maybe if they had some business
of their own i could relax
sadly it would seem their interest
is quite honed in on my back
what i mean to say is my bum
boy, they just can’t get enough
then again, it’s kissed by the sun
chiseled, and bulbously buff
countless times have i looked up
to find a spider mid-descent
typically, they hover just
to read facebook and make comments
privacy is really just a quaint notion
it’s sad to say
for spiders reign ubiquitous
over each moment, night or day
even if they have intentions
of becoming my best friend
they might at least try to mention
this to somehow make amends
as it stands i swear on my life
they won’t rest until i’m dead
how else did my set of steak knives
wind up underneath the shed
don’t you for one second think
i don’t know of their secret club
i still receive the weekly e-mail
some of which i truly love
judging from the things i’ve read
we’d hit it off quite famously
they seem to dig the talks on TED
almost just as much as me
if i wasn’t so damn shy
perhaps i could initiate
but to them, I am just a fly
awaiting on a silken fate
they’re not like their creepy cousins
building nests from human hair
spiders spin a lustrous gossamer
to weave their webbed lair
sure, at times they might get peeved
and inflict a most painful bite
this is how most spiders grieve
their spouse you swallowed just last night
follow my advice and keep that
gaping orifice shut well
you don’t want to hear all of the stories
that I have to tell
please just feel their fuzzy fur
they’re cuddly like a teddy bear
spiders rock, you must concur
you’d better, for they’re everywhere

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