Dude . . .

if i could convince you
to consider but one candid concept
which, of course, you might suspect
concerns a most elicit topic
if your inclination
was to cringe and quickly run for cover
you would be correct
for you’ve accosted me unlike no other

with a cavalcade of quite conveniently
depicted diq piqs
clogging up my network
like a cable network choking Netflix

please don’t misconstrue my words
as puns or covert euphemisms
this is very serious
like when penis becomes penisn’t
calm down, i don’t mean the content
i declare that secondary
i can’t comprehend your cause
nor lack of couth

it’s kind of scary

curbing your distinct affliction
by increasing increments
can’t quash your creative calling
and it’s in your best interest

i cannot afford to hear the lord groan
when i check my smartphone
nor have leering onlookers
keep winking as if something was known

dude, it’s just a diq
no need to show it to the world at random
put that shit away or else i’ll lop it off without abandon

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Telling Vision

in my youth I watched TV
but sadly, none had cared to tell
that it was not reality
and thus, my life has gone to hell
corrupting every moral code
with no second thought to decorum
just as every episode
taught habits for the social forum
shouting loud and slamming doors
why should I have thought this was odd
and storming off with goods unmoored
to steal them in the name of ~god~
flagrantly objectifying
women as the status quo
pathologically lying
to every person that you know
constantly berating fellow humans
brought so many laughs
however, when I tried to do it
people would then kick my ass
sneaking through my neighbor’s yard
in nothing but a ghillie suit
did not fetch the same regard
when fleeing cops in hot pursuit
still, I tried to understand why
my friends cried and told their mothers
when I poked their eyes and ran
I thought that they would laugh and love it
how was I to know that vampires
were not something that existed
just imagine my surprise
that Halloween I was arrested
no one told me using fire
to burn the evidence was useless
nor that sating my desires
was anything other than ruthless
pulling pranks to shame my boss
never quite had the same effect
for every time my job was lost
they branded me a derelict
the doctor didn’t find it funny
when I diagnosed his patients
and absconded with their money
just to fund my cat’s vacation
why is it that all I’d learned
would only seem to spur police
leave the general public spurned
and earn the ire of Catholic priests
acting disingenuous
was all the rage on every show
but people just turned murderous
when I would use the same MO
every single trope
that had taught me the ropes
on television
has since failed me like the time
I groped her and wound up in prison
when I tried to tell the judge
“But on TV it seemed just fine!?”
he wasn’t so inclined to budge
and now I must serve all my time
the bane of capitalist systems
causes damage far and wide
kids left without supervision
so their parents can abide
to that which Jesus most opposed
and though I might not be religious
much like him I don’t condone
a surrogate duly suspicious
children led by such examples
based on worlds of artifice
become far more than we can handle
with real life consequence
how can we punish the actions
fostered by our guided hand
just to furnish a distraction
so we can meet life’s demands
everyone should take a hammer
run it through their TV set
rise up in a Marxist clamor
before things get darker yet
it’s not right that we associate
our sentiments with falsehood
they can’t misappropriate our lives
then try to claim “it’s all good!”

Hellacious Haircut

now what have you gone and done?
you look like hitler’s amish son
after some seasons in the sun
imprisoned by a neon nun
was it kirk’s phaser set to stun?
a vulcan nerve-pinch come undone?
it seems as though you might have plucked
a nerve and now this look is stuck
a lightning strike without the light
perhaps it was an eel bite
or maybe you just caught a fright
a camera may have flashed too bright
it’s possible a roving pack
of rabid dogs advanced attack

a full-grown horde of starving hogs
mistook you for their feeding trough
and truly, i would understand
if your barber was from japan
or if he had a demon hand
entangled in a rubberband
oh, i know! this is all a joke
like on some hidden camera show
AHA! you must have lit a cig
using a bargain lighter rig
oh shoot… my bad, is that a wig
did someone zag who should have zigged

are you on drugs, that must be it
take my advice friend, try to quit
unless you fell into a pit
of ninjas throwing hissy-fits
who knows, break-dancing gone awry
you thought you were a samurai
or were you stressed under duress?
was this your mother’s last request?
could you have donated your locks?
gone undercover for the cops?
if you stopped caring i can tell
they DO have barbershops in hell!
you lost a bet and now you’ve paid
you did it so you could get laid
a camel-spider went to town
you got it at the lost & found
you snuggled with a hirsute rat
then got mauled by a shedding cat
your headbanging took a wrong turn
you left edward scissorhands spurned
the rest of you is somewhere else
you did it for your ailing health
you could have just rubbed a balloon
til so much static-cling ensued
you’re going to make me walk the plank
come on! admit! it’s just a prank

wait, what was that i heard you say?
this here is what’s in style today

why, ~silly me~, i should have known
next time i’ll just leave you alone
(cuz zombies must have eaten your brains)
proceeds to walk the other way