Litter Box

tending to the litterbox
is not a task preferred
for it truly is the shittiest
this much, you may have heard
’tis a piteous endeavor
for regardless of one’s diligence
attempting to remove each clump
will only beget new remnants
which make it near impossible
to execute a thorough riddance
fomenting one’s obsessive compulsive
hyper-vigilance
enveloped in the vortex
like a kuiper belt of quantum droppings
spiraling into eclipsing suns
where time refuses stopping
then, of course, your kitty cat
will promptly perpetrate intrusions
seeming to have lain in wait
to vitiate your trial’s conclusion
which, perhaps, is preferable
when compared to their predilection
orchestrating olfact’ry affronts
upon Edesia’s token
flippantly forgoing such civilities
as inhumation
leaving fumes to waft
into the window of your sustenation
scarcely does exist a tool
designed for proper execution
in the realm of undoing the wrath
of your kitten’s ablutions
then there is the consequence
inflicted by toxoplasmosis
subjecting one to a life
of perilous subconscious motives
disavowing dignity
despite one being none the wiser
all the while as wit and wisdom
wither into states most dire
some might think to situate
the litterbox afar from self
who all too soon then acquiesce
to errant marks of tacit tell
with expeditious ardor
one must hearken to the litterbox
pray barter not
for any act thus subsequent
will end in loss
in this, I have said enough
to warrant any Dalek’s malice
were that one could graciously
exterminate me of this VALIS
render me a willful interfusion
as the litter’s fodder
so that we might revel
in the vortex of a river, godless
lo, a life indentured to the servitude
of any feline’s ward
shall verily be filled
with languid litter duty
evermore

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kitten primer

if, by chance, you come across
a docile kitten, quaint and cute

be well aware, for underneath
there lies a hidden, hardened brute

where any motion you might make
could warrant your evisceration

solely by the merit
of an instinctual inclination

sure, they’re fluffy and aloof
most wonted to ignore your presence

dare not presume, like a doofus
they won’t smite you straight to heaven

those teeth might seem small and harmless
but they bear a razor’s edge

the consequence which might result
is not a bet that one should hedge

not to mention, kittens possess claws
of legendary sharpness

one false step, and you’ll wind up a charm
on grandma’s jeweled escarpment

artfully they will give chase
to flailing limbs left unattended

ankles, elbows, knees, and toes
will face a wrath not to be mended

dangling appendages will rightly face
a roughshod mangling

i advise you not to leave
your naughty-bits exposed and hanging

kittens pounce from every angle
none have yet to telegraph

and any fool who thinks they’re able
fails to comprehend the math

you plus kitten equals
an humiliated human-being

subdivided by the shame
of fates which should have been foreseen

so keep your flitting fingers to yourself
lest ye be masticated

try your best to adore kittens
whence ye can safely evade them

[image credit: Louis Wain]

The Cali-Cat Committee

yes, my custom Cadillac
is always packed with cuddly kitties
as we cruise around the city
kickin’ back & lookin’ pretty

bucket seats of brimming fur
powered by purrs and cosmic catnip
cursing coppers can’t catch up
and never will, we’re just too damn hip

local brawlers make a fuss
i trust it’s cuz they want to be us
let ’em eat our dust
as we go peelin’ past their pappy’s Janus

drinkin’ soda pop and drivin’
pedal-pushin’ on the floor
sportin’ pompadours so epic
cuttin’ through the kitty-door

and let me tell you
when we do, our doos are truly pussy-magnets
all the other dudes are duds
who look like cast rejects from Dragnet

our swag is so intricate
that none have yet to comprehend it
but that doesn’t seem to stop
the onslaught of cads caught pretending

leave ’em be
it’s best to look upon them
with a quiet pity
not all cats are qualified
to join the Cali-Cat Committee

[image credit: Louis Wain]

Groomination

a kitty cat’s grooming is always suspicious
this truth i have analyzed over the years
the agony of aggregate clumps cilicious
alludes to an aeluroid aspect most queer

consider the context of when they commence
and a pattern conspicuous soon is revealed
as subsequent to an embarrassing moment
they feign nonchalance as a means to conceal

which is quite ironic, for as we all know
cats are nothing if not the vanguards of aloofness
yet, somehow they are so acutely self-conscious
regarding their state of inferable smoothness

of course, this technique is applied other places
like when you so heedlessly trample right past them
the shock and appall of an affront so tasteless
will spur such a groom nearing self-mutilation

and don’t you dare think to presume consolation
for all of your pleas stand to fall on deaf fur
their tail tells the tale of availed indignation
no chin scratch on earth could elicit a purr

on some rare occasions, debris might affix
to their feline in such a way barring removal
in these times their grooming airs slow and deliberate
as they give their all to appear as though casual

at times i have pondered, if not for their shame
would not their fine coats fall into disrepair
it’s fortunate that we stand only to gain
when cats most emphatically feign not to care

Psychotelepathic Kitten

every day it seems i am beholden to an untold power
i once thought was emanating from my garden’s wildflowers
but since new damning evidence has narrowed it down to my cat
my life has been a whirlwind of sin and there’s no looking back
the force exuding from this kitty is anomalously grave
its effect has left me to a lifetime as my kitty’s slave
endlessly i toil scooping his remnants from the litter box
and i won’t even mention all the times i’ve had to darn his socks
i cannot explain nor understand the tasks which he assigns
all i know is if i fail the consequences are unkind
by his ardent insistence, i have to wear a pink mustache
then i must go downtown and panhandle to re-up his stash
he has what you might call an addiction, and it’s quite severe
once a week i make the trip to Humbolt just to bring it here
criminal-grade catnip is financially prohibitive
but if i should refuse then it is likely he won’t let me live
recently i had to quit my job so i could work from home
if i did not comply, he insisted that he would have me cloned!
ethically, my opposition to such things does not permit
so i became a phone sex operator as do most hermits
you may laugh, but i assure you, this is deathly serious
my kitty cat will kick your ass if he hears any word of this
again, you scoff, but i implore that you should take heed of these words
otherwise, i cannot guarantee you won’t end up a turd
understand the implication, yes, it truly is that dire
i scoop tough guys like you from his litter box as is required
that, of course, is based on the assumption that he will take pity
on your wretched soul, for truly he’s a nitty-gritty kitty
certified and licensed by the Badass-Felidae Committee
they’ve got local chapters based in every major U.S. city!
now look what you’ve gone and done! i’m late for his standing appointment!
at Suinolon Spa Spectacular which means a sturdy groin kick
not only for me but for you too for wasting his precious time
here he comes now looking like he’s out of sorts and not of sound mind
i can’t bear to witness any punishment he wreaks upon you
so i’ll have to close my eyes while he exacts his wrath of kung-fu
there, you see? i bet that you’re regretting having not had listened
to the true-to-life tale of my psychotelepathic kitten

[image credit: Louis Wain]