Category: Humor

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Psychotelepathic Kitten

every day it seems i am beholden to an untold power
i once thought was emanating from my garden’s wildflowers
but since new damning evidence has narrowed it down to my cat
my life has been a whirlwind of sin and there’s no looking back
the force exuding from this kitty is anomalously grave
its effect has left me to a lifetime as my kitty’s slave
endlessly i toil scooping his remnants from the litter box
and i won’t even mention all the times i’ve had to darn his socks
i cannot explain nor understand the tasks which he assigns
all i know is if i fail the consequences are unkind
by his ardent insistence, i have to wear a pink mustache
then i must go downtown and panhandle to re-up his stash
he has what you might call an addiction, and it’s quite severe
once a week i make the trip to Humbolt just to bring it here
criminal-grade catnip is financially prohibitive
but if i should refuse then it is likely he won’t let me live
recently i had to quit my job so i could work from home
if i did not comply, he insisted that he would have me cloned!
ethically, my opposition to such things does not permit
so i became a phone sex operator as do most hermits
you may laugh, but i assure you, this is deathly serious
my kitty cat will kick your ass if he hears any word of this
again, you scoff, but i implore that you should take heed of these words
otherwise, i cannot guarantee you won’t end up a turd
understand the implication, yes, it truly is that dire
i scoop tough guys like you from his litter box as is required
that, of course, is based on the assumption that he will take pity
on your wretched soul, for truly he’s a nitty-gritty kitty
certified and licensed by the Badass-Felidae Committee
they’ve got local chapters based in every major U.S. city!
now look what you’ve gone and done! i’m late for his standing appointment!
at Suinolon Spa Spectacular which means a sturdy groin kick
not only for me but for you too for wasting his precious time
here he comes now looking like he’s out of sorts and not of sound mind
i can’t bear to witness any punishment he wreaks upon you
so i’ll have to close my eyes while he exacts his wrath of kung-fu
there, you see? i bet that you’re regretting having not had listened
to the true-to-life tale of my psychotelepathic kitten

[image credit: Louis Wain]

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Chaotic Pedantry

these, my thoughts
a plague of vague and divergent plagiarizations
indiscriminately pilfered in epic proliferation

culled and culminated
an insipidly loquacious clamor
pulling at the seams
of a precarious defenestrator

sonorous disquietude
of pointless quips methodical
poised with impropriety
imprudently parodical

pondering the response
spurred by unintended implication
posed from every angle
with fastidious consideration

formulating fears quickly forestalled
and then falsely inflected

internalized dialogues
disseminated and dissected

infiltrated by effusively
flourishing fantasies

in fluctuating malformations
of infernal lunacy

frantically then bantering
a bevy of inbound semantics
transmuting juxtapositions
chaotic thought pedantic

poring over every nuance
with a painstaking precision
lamentations
over lingering lexical aberrations

an incessant onslaught
of neurotic errings syntactical
cringing at the notion
of the permanence of erstwhile drivel

ever ready to unravel
by mere random incidence
so unwittingly interweaved
with arbitrary intermittence

why must it be so
that my mind never ceases inundating
every thought that fills my head
with copious neuroticisms

moored and then mechanically mulled over to such mundane measure

maladaptations of mind-numbing malefic discomfiture

omnipresently presaging
prominently ominous

a vomitous slew so profusely foul and insalubrious

besotting of verbosely vulgar surreptitious linguistics
repetitious literary folderal inefficacious

unrelentingly attending all obsessive inclinations
descending into grammatical quandaries sans hesitation

requisitely structured with laborious alliteration
assonance and consonance or else subjective condemnation

were that my implores could ever be expressed externally
surely they would lock me up then quickly throw away the key

cognitive calamity at this degree of grave affliction
begets one naught but a ticket to the mental institution

left bereft of any hope for one’s existential salvation
in an exile of the vilest form of human deprivation

i must then be heedful in revealing my indisposition
if you would excuse me from thus furthering this exposition

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Upon Consideration . . .

fuck you
for the thought you’re thinking

fuck your epic pompadour

fuck that smug look
on your fuck face

fuck your doppelganger dog

fuck your every breath you breathe

fuck whatever makes you happy

fuck the way your clothing fits you

fuck the timbre of your voice

fuck anyone desperate
or dumb enough to fall for your shit

fuck you
for not being bothered
by the fact that you’re a prick

fuck your “soul patch”
fuck your soul
fuck your lack thereof
fuck no

fuck the way your mouth moves
every time you make an utterance

fuck your feigned gesticulations

fuck you
just because

fuck the fact that you perceive
yourself as being above others

fuck your lack of self-awareness

fuck the way you mistreat women

fuck your racist undertones
you always try to justify

fuck your privilege
being of a magnitude superlative

fuck your pompous
omnipresent omnipotent arrogance

fuck your vapid elocution
fuck you for always guffawing

fuck your predisposed conclusions

fuck you for wearing “cologne”

fuck you for making me smell you

fuck your insincerity
fuck your insecurity
fuck your lack of verity
fuck your duplicitous nature

fuck you because “~Dashers, Dashers~”

fuck your fucking sweater-vests

fuck you for even existing

fuck you for not remedying it

fuck your parents
fuck theirs too

fuck them all
for never caring

wait a fucking minute, dude –

you too
were neglected

under slightly different circumstances

nonetheless

life had not afforded you
the proper chances

for the record
fuck my hypocritical
lapse in discretion

leading me to perpetrate
a most impetuous transgression

if you would excuse
my hideous affront to civil discourse

mayhaps you and i
could be the source
of one another’s recourse

[image credit: František Kobliha]

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Daydreams

some days
we long to be killed
more than others

to save us
from spilling
our secretive druthers

in rum-soaked confessions
to loathsome ex-lovers

or nameless encounters
with strangers uncovered

shamelessly asking for help
from our mothers

whose salt stings the wounds
from the womb to the gutter

whose ruinous choices
left pagans to shudder

impetuous voicings
so flagrantly uttered

lugubrious lamentations
seethe and smother

you see
i have neither the will
nor the the wanting

to languish in suffering
ever so daunting

i rather prefer
to bestir to the coffin

and slough this infernal coil
right the fuck off then!

[image credit: Edward Honaker]

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~Fuzzy~ Logic

why
do you not
hear these pleas

to reflect
my state of ruin?

how is it
such words project

inflections
paradoxical?

then,
to hear them
paraphrased

with such aberrant
intonation

altogether bastardizing

every crux
of their intention

what
pray tell
of my expression

disinherits
its avowal

moving you
to mock its merit

feigning ignorance
most foul

that there would
exist displeasure

sourcing
from outside oneself

is by no means
any measure

yours
had thus been
duly shelved

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COMING SOON!!!

dirty litterr

AN UNPRECEDENTED CAST FOR THE AGES:

featuring:

COSMIC PIGLET as “HOT HOOF”

LORD BYRON the CAT as “PEPPERS”

SIR NICK SALING as “MISTER MUSCLES”

ALSO STARRING:

MIRA MEUNIER as “DON’T TOUCH MY HAIR!!!”

MAX MEUNIER as “NURSE ADAMSKi”
CREEPY VINTAGE DOLL as SELF
and
~SUPER∞DORBS~
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Omega Man Rap

at times when feeling ‘noir
it pains’ me deeply
and i wish to obscure
my ‘sexier pons’

my ‘cat id irony’
fails to suffice
for ‘rarely it’ ‘insists i belie’
my ‘equine data’
and the ‘bicep alias
it’ no longer works

when ‘stoic ideas’ become ‘ornate libel’
i turn ‘to repine sunsets’

airing as ‘funded glib’ ‘pelt art’
‘erred as’ a ‘cynic soul opus’
of ‘incredible sin’

however ‘spurious
trite’ i pray it not

for ‘i toil in gray’ skies
to ‘escort earth’ with ‘hemp at rose’

to deliver a ‘cad edited’ ‘cat encomium’
and ‘obtain focus’
so that i may ‘convert pities’
from ‘scour units’ and ‘Soviet barons’

because ‘grease enables’
‘tin men to impale’ the ‘rift outed’
by my ‘Scorpio intent’

*see comments for key

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Kinda Sounds Like Discourse~ [AKA Vice Rod]

what can i say

i want the D

never had i dared to dream

this day would come

with thoughts of the D

running through my mind
like a Benny Hill credits roll

you see
the D is a most powerful force

it springs life anew
and mitigates longstanding burdens

it cleaves entire entities in twain
and leaves chaos in its wake

but in that fluster
of blustery skies and structure askew

i shall rise triumphant
brandishing the proof of the D
for all to behold

she proved herself
prone to imprudence
and impetuous impulse

and so began my arduous journey
in search of the D

for i knew
that my very salvation

could only begin

with a solidified D in hand

wait wait wait!

~what did you think i meant?~

pervert.

[image credit: Nicolaes de Bruyn, Frederik de Wit]

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Friendly Reminder

last time i told myself that it would be the last
but here i am again looking in the past
my memory so freely flees into the breeze
the instant that the moment passes before me
i can’t explain my inability to see
from the perspective granting objectivity
much like a cognitive bias against the self
in which my own best interests have been shot to hell
what makes it worse is everyone else seems to know
so quick to remind me wherever i may go
when all is said and done they say “i told you so”
as though their words are something to have been bestowed
well i suppose they may have something of a point
i’m still compelled to thusly disconnect their joints
the only thing that’s worse than chronic fucking up
is hearing it regaled by someone acting smug
you’d think that this alone would solve things without fail
but i am human; ever prone to get derailed
and for this very reason i am bound to kill
when comes a cocky bastard telling me to chill
which would explain the growing pile in my back yard
composed of corpses of those lacking such regard
take my advice when someone states they’ve had enough
that’s not the time to try and call them on their bluff
nor is it prudent to act disingenuous
nor to allude to any breaching of one’s trust
i’m not just preaching some type of friendly heads up
if you keep reaching, your demise will prove abrupt
of course, you’re free to take this any way you want
just don’t act so surprised when i do as i am wont
in case you missed it that’s the wonton reverie
of your destruction since you chose to fuck with me

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