What Jesus Does

why is Jesus so obsessed
with taking off his shirt in public?

yes, we get the point, you’re hawt
and everyone on earth knows of this

i suspect it might involve
his recent passion for “manscaping”

ever since it started
it would seem the bathroom’s always taken

i don’t think he realizes
i can hear his clippers buzzing

surely, he must be aware
of all the errant remnant fuzzies

i always assumed that vanity was not
befitting of him

but i guess humanity
has turned him into what he wasn’t

dousing himself with exotic oils
that claim to be essential

donning denim cut-offs
and a righteous tan most evidential

spending all his time
down at the Gold’s gym in West Hollywood

if he wasn’t Jesus
i might think he was up to no good

i’m not sure, but every time the lepers call
he says he’s busy

even banking at the church
no longer gets him in a tizzy

perhaps the weirdest thing of all
i stumbled in on yesterday

as he was practicing some moves
to music sounding somewhat gay

of course, there’s nothing wrong with this
it’s just that i had no idea

though i might have guessed
when he suggested i could be his beard

really, it makes perfect sense
for such potential lies in all men

everybody knows just what the extra “f”
means next to “best friend”

no, i don’t mean cigarettes
but if you’re offering, i’ll take one

what i meant was fornicating
for it’s the human condition

Jesus, just like any man
is free to flaunt his epic body

and if he should choose to
hook-up with a slew of hirsute hotties

all the power to him
for this also is my main intention

next time Jesus goes to Rage
i think that i might have to join him